i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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