I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
