My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
