Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
