I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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