he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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