Please, let me fuck your mom
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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