mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
