its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
