I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Who did Billy Mays play for?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
