I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
