bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Why is there bacon in the couch?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
