Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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