i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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