She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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