I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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