HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
