a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
