Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
