all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
