I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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