Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
