the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
