cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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