They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She swung at the pinata with crutches
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
