OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
