The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
