Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
