i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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