the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
