you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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