I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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