I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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