my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
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