i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
