Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
