So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
