an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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