When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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