So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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