Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
