I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You're earring is so big in my mouth
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
