My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
