at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
