Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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