i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
