Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
