Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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