I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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