I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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