you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
