it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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